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17:30
It got dark again. Life seems unberable and I cannot pick myself up from the bottom. Nothing makes any sense: family, friends, studies. I am fed up with the world. I think I may have a relapse of depression. I thought that it I am over it, but here we go again. Everyday i wake up already tired, with headache and overpowering feeling of hopelessness. So many things went wrong in my life recently that I am just tired. Studying does not make any sense anymore, I bought a shitty car that consumed all my money and still is shitty despite multiple repairs, my boyfriend lives far away, nobody appreciates me, I got soooo fat and ugly. Each misfortunate event feels like additional weight on my shoulders and I think I may collapse. I worry all the time and fear the future, because I know that it will not bring me anything good. Nobody even knows what I am going through, and I feel that I cannot talk to anyone, because nobody even cares. So that's that… I don't know what to do with myself and my life. I just want it all to end and I would like to never exist. Something is wrong with me. Not just because the abovementoned things. Death somedays consume my whole mind and all thoughts. I fear the death of others who are close to me, but my death doesn't bother me. I often think about far, far future inwhich could occur a situation where I would woke up next to my dead husband. It petrifies me, paralises me. Do people think of such things? Or is it just me? One moment I'm happy, the other I see the corpse of my love. I don't know what to do with it all.

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